Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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