I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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