I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Randomize
