No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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