I'm sorry my penis didn't work
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize