meet me or not, i'm out of control
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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