yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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