Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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