I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
They took my balls.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Randomize
