so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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