Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
