You can't special order awesome
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
