My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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