I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Randomize
