i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
