There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
