I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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