My sheets look like a crime scene.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I cut my penus on the lid.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
