I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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