How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
