So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
