i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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