Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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