It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
