Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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