My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
