I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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