She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
