mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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