I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
