I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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