I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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