five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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