Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
