he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
