just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
