This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
