I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
