you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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