You work out of a Hotel?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
