My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize