Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
