Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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