false alarm. still invincible.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
