I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
