I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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