i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
