Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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