***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
