Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
