i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
