And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
