Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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