Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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