its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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