His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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