he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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