Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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