he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize