I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
