My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
