At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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